Sunday Satires: O My Gaffe! The Day ‘The Cord’ rained on my Flirt Parade

 

My Sunday Gaffes Challenge should have started last Sunday, but I guess everyone is over at that novel writing challenge Nah No-Rhyme Oh… Nah? Got it wrong?  Na—No—Wri—Mo—. Yes? Got it now.  (*Aside*  Way a miyit. Gatho unthwis my thong.  I meant my tongue. What a terrible Acronym) :0 Just kidding, Nanos.

Fun aside, terrible timing too for me, right?

Anyway, for whatever the reason, since posting the Sunday Satires: O My Gaffe! Challenge earlier this month, no one has taken up the challenge. I had asked folks to sign up for the challenge in the comment box of the post. Nada. It won’t last forever either.

So hear what, we have a week to go before the Challenge closes, so send me those social gaffe posts. You’ve never put your foot (figuratively) in your mouth or seen someone else do so? (*scoff*) Of course you have.  At one time or the other, we’ve all gaffed; or giggled, chuckled, snorted, snickered, or guffawed at someone who has.

To give you an example of what I expect you to write about, I’ve decided to share a post. It’s a recount  of one of the most memorable, biggest and most embarrassing gaffes I’ve ever ‘committed’.

Warning to my gentlemen readers: It’s about to get very feminine around here, but stick around anyway; I won’t be too graphic.

My Big Gaffe: In the late 90’s I was working as a newspaper reporter. It so happened that I was investigating the dismissal of an employee at the country’s most popular resort group at that time.

Somehow word leaked to the resort owners that I was following the story and the editor of the society desk of the newspaper which I worked for called me and told me that the wife of the owners wanted to speak with me. I spoke with Mrs Bigwig (not her real name, of course) and almost immediately after the phone call,  Society Editor conspicuously assigned me to cover an opening of said resort property which was being renovated in Montego Bay.

I was packed up and flown down in Bigwig Resorts corporate plane and then driven to their corporate offices. There, I was  met by the son of the owners who then drove me to the city where the scheduled opening was to take place. He was quite nice and we had a friendly conversation on the ride down.

Soon after I returned though, I noticed I was being asked to do a cover feature on Mr Island’s Most Eligible Batchelor nominee for the magazine, and before I knew it I was getting day passes to their hotels and I was being assigned to cover anything related to the property that Society Editor wanted. We had struck up a friendship (in retrospect, it has become clear that all that was part of a  big PR conspiracy in conjunction with my society editor to gain the resort free write ups, and I was young,  pretty and gullible.)

My family lived in the resort parish, so on an occasional Friday evening when I wanted to beat the three hour commute by bus, it was not unusual to call him (he had offered) and ask if he was heading home as well, and I would join him on a flight down to the resort town. As I said, he was kind and never inappropriate, and I developed a massive (probably one-sided) crush on him.

I met the girlfriend eventually.

But back then, I was still under the influence of Mills and Boons millionaire-prince- marries- innocent- working class-girl romance stories, and it was easy to delude myself that a romance between him and myself was possible. Of course I was very shy and I never shared my feelings openly with him, but he was a playboy so he probably read my blushes when I was around him all too well.

So, one weekend I was invited to attend a jet  ski conference that he and friends were hosting at one of their properties (My gut told me it was another free PR opp to squelch a government ban after a fatal jet-ski accident around the same time).

After an invigorating and scary jet across the sea, we stopped and parked on the beach of the hotel where the press conference was to be held.

A few of my reporter colleagues decided to lark and climb the low hanging trees that were on the beach.

I guess I was trying to get the attention of my ‘crush’ who had been flashing me killer smiles every time our eyes met. He and other staffers and jet skiiers were gathered around on the beach below. So, to show off my tree climbing skills, I clambered  up amongst the branches. I was of course wearing my bikini bottom. My period had come from  the Friday before and so I was wearing a tampon. I felt very secure in my tampon and the tv advertisements claim that  ‘all day, all ways doesn’t stop a girl from having fun’.

Shortly after returning to my hotel room, I went to check my stuff. And what should I find, but my tampon cord hanging out of my bikini? Hmm, no biggie. Let’s fix that, I remember thinking.

But then (BIG GASP)…..my mind flipped back to my harmless little romp in the tree and  it slowly dawned on me that my little wayward feminine cord may have gotten me attention from my ‘crush’ in the worst way a girl would ever want.

If embarrassment could kill, I would have tied a thousand deaths in that bathroom as the mortifying memory rushed at my consciousness like a speeding freight train. O. MY. GAFFE!! (Not these words exactly, but you know.)

Good thing he didn’t fly back with us to Kingston. I would have had a epileptic attack from blushing.

To this day, I still grimace in embarrassment when I think of the incident.

Moral of the Story: If you decide to wear a tampon and bikini bottoms and then go jet skiing, chances are something is going to get dislodged. Take my advice. Wear a shorts over your bikini. And never follow the crowd and climb a tree to get a guy’s attention. Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Note to Self: Don’t trust in feminine cords;  they tend to pull unexpected stunts. May rain on my flirt parade.

Big Life Lesson: From that day, I have never tried to be coy with a guy unless I had checked in with my inner cord.

Have you have a similar feminine gaffe rain on your flirt parade? Would you like to share your story or another satirical post with my readers? Read the instructions in the link I posted above, and leave a comment indicating your interest in participating.

You can also sent me your post by email at taylor-karen@hotmail.com. I’m dying to hear your story.

Lamentations for a Garden: Beauty for Ashes

Lamentations 3 is the verse I wish to meditate on today. It’s the Bible book written by the prophet, Jeremiah.

Though he weeps to the Lord over his afflictions, yet he never stops trusting and praising God.

On days like today, I feel like Jeremiah. My heart is heavy within me. I feel like the Lord has made me chew on gravel and rolled in the dust. My peace has been stripped away, and in its place is turmoil. I feel like my beauty has become ashes. And everything I’ve hoped for is lost.

I have an urge to be in a  garden so I can have beautiful things clouding my vision. and I can inhale the sweet fragrances and hear the chortling of a stream, and absorb the sound of birds larking above me. I need to see the blue sky between the foliage of an oak tree. And feel the burn of the sun and the caress of wind on my arms. Outside in a real garden is where I want to be.

Lamentations 3 (New Living Translation) 

16 He has made me chew on gravel.

He has rolled me in the dust.

17Peace has been stripped away,

and I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18I cry out, “My splendor is gone!

Everything I had hoped for from the LORD is lost!”

19The thought of my suffering and homelessness

is bitter beyond words.a

20I will never forget this awful time,

as I grieve over my loss.

21Yet I still dare to hope

when I remember this:

22The faithful love of the LORD never ends!b

His mercies never cease.

23Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.

24I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance;

therefore, I will hope in him!”

25The LORD is good to those who depend on him,

to those who search for him.

26So it is good to wait quietly

for salvation from the LORD.

27And it is good for people to submit at an early age

to the yoke of his discipline:

28Let them sit alone in silence

beneath the LORD’s demands.

29Let them lie face down in the dust,

for there may be hope at last.

30Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them

and accept the insults of their enemies.

31For no one is abandoned

by the Lord forever.

32Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion

because of the greatness of his unfailing love.

33For he does not enjoy hurting people

or causing them sorrow.

34If people crush underfoot

all the prisoners of the land,

35if they deprive others of their rights

in defiance of the Most High,

36if they twist justice in the courts—

doesn’t the Lord see all these things?

37Who can command things to happen

without the Lord’s permission?

38Does not the Most High

send both calamity and good?

39Then why should we, mere humans, complain

when we are punished for our sins?

40Instead, let us test and examine our ways.

Let us turn back to the LORD.

41Let us lift our hearts and hands

to God in heaven and say,

42“We have sinned and rebelled,

and you have not forgiven us.

Lamentation in the Garden

Source: biblehub.com